" All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts..."
I do not think I shall come across a more apt philosophy on life than this all-encompassing definition put forward by Shakespeare. Everyday about a dozen times I am reminded that I too am a mere actor, playing countless different roles in countless concurrent plays going on the world's stage. In this story though, I am a mere narrator. The principle actors are yet to be introduced.
In the hundreds of cities in our country, there are thousands of colleges where quite a few lakh boys and girls study. This story is perhaps common to almost every college in every city. I happened to be a part of one of them.
Amol liked the girl from the very first day he saw her. That very day while walking home he told me that he had finally found the girl he was looking for - a junior named Anu. I had not seen her then so I did not comment anything. To be honest I did not take the matter very seriously. Amol liked a lot of girls. Quite a few of them reciprocated his feelings. Though not conventionally good looking, Amol had sharp features, a sharper mind and a gift of the gab. He had the unique ability to blend with and become the darling of a group in matter of minutes. Amol was a general favorite in all circles.
The next day I saw Anu. To say that she was beautiful would be an understatement. She was tall, extremely fair and lissome. It was natural that men found her attractive. I made a casual comment on her in my usual nonchalant manner, the normal tone in which we discussed all his female interests. To my utter surprise he took offense, made a curt reply and changed the topic.
Anu did not figure again in our discussions and for all practical purposes I had forgotten about her and the discussion that Amol and I had had, days ago. College life and pressures of a career occupied me completely. This was our last year in graduation and everyone was worried about getting admission into graduate school. We were neighbors and often used to walk back and forth from college together, but this last year meant different electives for each of us, so our timings were completely different. We went without seeing or hearing from each other for days, and it often surprised me how the pace and pressure of modern life can become a barrier between people who had been together since childhood. We both knew that we were there, just a shouts distance from one another. But none of us actually bothered to shout aloud and say hello. We just took our relation for granted.
It had now been almost a month since I had seen Amol, and I became a bit restless about it. On that day I decided that I had to see him anyhow. So after my class was over, I waited in the library because I knew he had an evening class. I had an hour to waste so I wandered to the English literature sections, where I hadn’t visited this semester. Literature was a passion for me, but the pressure of studies meant that I had no time for it nowadays. I was roaming around the galleries and wondering when I would find time to read all these books, when a sweet voice called me from behind, " Excuse me Raj, have you seen Amol around?" It was Anu.
I was taken completely off balance, first by finding myself looking directly into a pair of the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen and second because the way she took mine and Amol's name, it appeared that she knew us for ages. I was about to mutter something to the effect that I hadn’t seen him for a month now and that I myself was waiting for him but I found myself paralyzed by her beauty and innocence.
The situation was saved by the character in question himself appearing on the scene. "Hi Anu, sorry man I was held up by the traffic, extremely sorry". "Hey u, where the hell have you been. I was wondering just this morning", this to me.
" Well looks like even though our lives are separated, our minds still think in tandem. I was thinking about you myself this morning", said I. Then pulling him a little aside, I said, " you little bastard, when did this start. And you didn’t even bother to tell me. "
Amol glanced at Anu once and then looked back at me with a cat-that-ate-the-canary look. " Hey listen, why don’t we do a night-out today. Tomorrows Saturday so we can sleep late and there’s lots of things I need to tell you, but I must get going now or she will kill me", he pleaded.
" Ohho!! So things have reached this far, have they? Holy shit, and that day when I asked aunty, she said you were spending time in the library preparing for the CAT. I can now see what kind of cat. Listen, I need an explanation, or I am going to report matters to the head quarter - you know that aunty believes every word I say as gospel."
"You are going to do no such thing. What are you, a friend or enemy? C’mon man, I wanted to tell you long back. It’s just that we didn’t meet. Have I ever hidden anything from you? Now let me go. We are already late"
All this time, that sweet little girl was standing at the corner looking at us with mix of complete bewilderment. I could understand that look on her face. Amol’s friendship and mine was unique in its own way. When we were together we gelled so well that a third person felt left out of our inner circle and was always left wondering what we were up to.
That night, over five cups of coffee and a packet of Parle G, Amol told me his story. Things had happened very quickly with them. He had tried to talk to Anu but never found her alone. They did get to know each other at a friend’s party, but that was very formal and distant. Finally Amol did something, which normally is only done by heroes of masala Hindi films. He stopped her on her way home and told her that he liked her and wanted to become friends. It then turned out there feelings were mutual. For some people, life is served on a golden platter, ready to eat. But they are the unlucky ones; because they don’t realize the value of things they hold.
Over the months I keenly watched Amol and Anu's relation grow. My interest in them as a friend was doubled by the fact that I found it very strange that two people who had hardly known each other for a few months could develop such a strong attachment towards one another. In my dictionary, attachment needed time to develop. Love was a tree, which needed time to grow from a seed, nurtured by the careful hands of care and commitment. How could two people who had hardly been with each other for two months say with certainty that they would be unable to live without each other?
It was a strange relation that defied conventional explanations and definitions. Its intensity made me think of a whirlwind, which had arisen in the midst of a calm field from apparently nowhere and was now shaking the entire field. From sitting together for hours at the canteen and the library, to talking for hours on the phone, making false excuses to visit each other’s homes and exchanging gifts, they went through all the motions that lovers typically go through. But they did make a wonderful pair and I felt happy for them.
As for the two of us, we hardly spent much time together. I was busy as usual and Amol was doubly busy. But we did keep track of each other, doing our Saturday night-outs or sharing a cup of coffee at the canteen. All these brief meetings were essentially dominated by Anu, so that I came to know and understand this girl, to whom I had hardly talked, very well.
Slowly a picture began to emerge - of a girl who had had troubled past, estranged parents and had had close brushes with poverty in her childhood. But now things had improved and she lived with her father and brother. But from the many incidences that Amol narrated I began to see her as a very insecure person who clung tightly to the things that were dear to her. A girl who always felt the need to be reassured of things. This insecurity and need for reassurance bordered on the edge of selfishness. Like the times when she would call up Amol suddenly and ask him to come down and meet her immediately. Amol lived 20 kms away from Anu’s place. And her times were all late evenings or hot sunny afternoons. I must give credit to Amol that he never complained.
But there was a softer childish side also. The side, which made her, fall sick when Amol had an accident and was hospitalized. The side, which made her, sit by Amol’s bed for a week and nurse him out of the illness. These acts astounded me because I had not attributed her to be a type of person capable of doing such things. In this way 4 months passed and this whirlwind affair was now famous across the campus and the two had been officially coupled off.
We always have a habit of messing our lives with our own hands. I have often seen people complicate situations by actions, which they don’t comprehend fully in the beginning. Perhaps my point will become clearer as I progress on this narration. It was the last week of November when Anu had to go to her maasi's place in the next city. It was just 80 kms - just a 2-hour drive from our place - but both Amol and Anu behaved as if she was going beyond the seven seas. But that I suppose is the way with lovers. They will make big issues of such small things. No amount of pleading, fighting or cribbing could avoid the trip. Her father turned a deaf ear to her. And she realized that she had to go so she resigned herself to a month's separation from Amol. Little did she know that she was up against a more powerful adversary than her father - fate herself.
I think it was fate that played this entire game. Otherwise why did it happen that the day Anu left town, it somehow got into Amol's head that he wanted to test Anu. I wasn’t very much aware of all these things until about a week after Anu had left I received a phone call from her. She was close to tears. " Is something wrong with Amol. He hasn’t called once since I left town and he isn’t even answering my phone calls. Is he sick or something? " I was a bit taken aback. I was completely unaware of his whereabouts for the past one week, but I was sure that nothing serious had happened otherwise I would definitely had known. Then why the hell hadn’t he called her, I wondered. " No, he is doing fine. I met him just the other day. I think his phone lines are disrupted or something." I lied.
" Listen Anu, don’t worry, I will tell him that you called and he will get back to you. I am sure there is some confusion." I reassured her, thinking that I would lick the bastard first thing in the evening. " Please do that Raj. I am awfully worried about him. I hope his asthma hasn’t returned or something." She said in a half sinking voice.
"I am not going to call her or reply to her phone calls. I am testing her." This was Amol’s reply to my question. I couldn’t believe my ears first. It took me some time to comprehend what he was hinting about. "I think you are crazy. Think of what she will go through, poor girl. What kind of test is this anyway? And besides it’s an outrage and an insult. How can you even think of testing someone you love - who gives you the right to do that? What if she thought the same way? What if she wanted to test you someday? How would you feel then? "
" Listen, lets not argue on this. I am doing this for both of us. Do you think I am happy doing this? Do you think that I feel nothing and that its not hurting me? But we must both go through this. It’s not only her test. It’s as much mine. We must bear this pain of separation and prove to ourselves that it is actually love and not just infatuation. Look, I know this sounds crazy but I have sound logic behind this. This is the first time after our affair started that we would actually be away for such a long period. I want to see whether our relation lasts this. And listen, Anu can test me any day she wants to. It would be fair enough."
" Amol you know what I feel. I feel like slapping right across your face. For Christ’s sake, Anu needs a brother right now who can come and bust that smart ass of yours. And if no one else is going to do it, I will. Man, have a heart. How can you make a girl as sweet as that cry? What’s got into you?" My voice was now on a high pitch. I was terribly excited at this hardhearted insipid behavior of my friend.
" Raj, I have just one thing to say to you. Stay out of this. Its my relation and its my decision and I know what I am doing is not wrong. Can’t you see man that even I am suffering? I haven’t had a night’s sleep since she went away. I can’t eat. I am missing her like hell. But I am not going to call her. We must both pass this test to prove ourselves. And if she really loves me she will understand and forgive me. "
I saw that there was no point in carrying the discussion further. We were venturing into forbidden waters and I suddenly felt very tired of the entire thing. " OK, That’s fine with me. But can you just tell me what I am supposed to say to her if she calls back? "
" Tell her that you couldn’t get through to me. Tell her that you left a message. Just think up something and tell her. I am sure you can manage." That was Amol. He would always create a situation, which involved others and expect you to handle it.
Anu didn’t call me back again. I lived in a constant fear that she would call up and I would be at a loss to explain things. I thought of numerous possible answers and explanations and all of them sounded equally vague to me. I gave up at last in despair and waited for the phone call. Fortunately it never came.
A month passed by in a jiffy. Or so it seemed to me. Because exactly 45 days to the day I had gone to Amol's house, he was at my door. His face told me that things were bad. After I heard him out, I knew that things were very bad. Anu had been in town for a week now. She had called up Amol to say hi. She hadn’t demanded an explanation from him. Neither did her voice invite him to continue the conversation. She sounded distant and cold. She had avoided him ever since then and all his attempts to meet her had failed. Amol wanted to explain things, but he needed a chance. Anu was not willing to give him that one chance.
"Its all your doing Amol. I warned you that you would mess things up. You shouldn’t be surprised. What do you expect from a person whom you go about experimenting with. I am sorry man but I don’t see how I can help you in this. And seriously, even if I cold help you, I wouldn’t. You deserve worse than this."
" Look I never thought things would turn out this way. I thought she would give me a chance to explain. And then I would explain everything and also tell her how much more I loved her now. How impossible it was for me to live these 30 days and how much I value her. I mean every word of it. Can’t you see it in my eyes? But I never thought that she would draw up such a wall all around her. You have to help me Raj. I will die otherwise."
" You know Amol, you are a fool. But you are my friend so I guess I don’t have much choice. Listen the only thing I can do is talk to her, though I don’t know what or how. Now go home and take some rest. You look really worked up."
Next day I caught up with Anu outside the canteen. " Hi Anu, how was your trip?" " Oh, Hi Raj. Thanks, the trip was fine" I could see her eyes looking questioningly at mine.
I avoided the stare. " If you have time can we have a cup of coffee together? I mean, if it’s ok with you."
" Listen Raj, I am Ok with the coffee but if you are here to discuss Amol, then you are wasting your time. "
" Anu he just needs one chance. Just let him explain things. Please just once. I am sure everything would be just fine. "
It was good that the canteen was deserted at that particular hour, because suddenly she erupted. " Ya sure things would be fine. How extremely convenient for you to say that. And how convenient for him to think that. Things were always fine weren’t they? They were fine when I was sitting their 80 kms away, wondering and worrying like a fool about a person who doesn’t even bother to call me once. Things were fine when I left message after message without a single reply. Things were very fine when I used to stay awake at nights and think what had gone wrong. Things were always fine Raj. Who said things were not fine. Listen Raj, just tell Amol that I am not like a chemistry lecture in college, which you attend when you feel like and bunk when you don’t. For god’s sake, I am a live human being. I have feelings. And I don’t want to have anything to do with a person who doesn’t respect them. That’s all. Good bye." And she picked her things and left the table, tears streaming from her eyes.
I wanted to do two things then. First I wanted to find a hole to climb in and hide myself. Second I wanted to box Amol’s ears. I did neither. I just sat there and looked at the ants on the table carrying away breadcrumbs to their homes.
September approached and with it the deadline for the entrance exams. I found a new ally now in my night outs – Amol. After my meeting with Anu in the canteen, he had suddenly given up everything and returned to his books. He had listened to the entire episode calmly, then looked at me with watery eyes and said, " You were right Raj. I have murdered my love with my own hands. I know Anu; she is never going to forgive me. It’s all over and I am responsible for it. "
No amount of coaxing or convincing on my part would make him try to talk to Anu one more time. He went around with a dazed look for some days. Then one night at about 12 I had a knock on my study room. It was Amol, with a pile of books under his arms. We can run from everything on earth but we cant run from ourselves. When our conscience decides to punish us, we must punish ourselves in one way or other. Amol chose work and began studying like a man possessed.
It was some time before I learnt the complete story behind Amol’s sudden work holism. He was trying to escape from something. He was trying to run away. I first picked it up from a gossip in the campus canteen. I wasn’t exactly listening until I heard the name Anu. The other name that they were taking was not familiar to my ears. It was someone called Tanvir. A few days later I saw Anu with a guy, whom I instinctively knew was Tanvir. They were sitting at the lounge in Barista. Since they were sitting at an angle to the road, I could see them clearly for about a minute or so without either of them seeing me. Tanvir looked like a handsome young man to me.
Slowly I gathered the entire story in bits and pieces. Tanvir was Anu's classmate and a very good friend of hers. He too had loved her from the very beginning but had lost out to Amol in the race. All this I gathered from the campus grapevine. However I could not find out where things were standing between the two at the moment. That the two were going around together was clear now. I had seen them quite a number of times and I was sure that Amol knew about it too, though I never brought the topic up.
I often mused about it, often worried about Amol, but I was helpless. We never discussed Anu again. Infact of late we hardly discussed anything except the oncoming entrance exams. It was clear that Amol was killing himself with the amount of pressure he was under. But I knew that if he let go even for a moment, he would rip apart emotionally. So I too kept things keyed up too.
When we are in the middle of things, time passes by like sand from between the fingers. Before we realize it, things are done, events become memories and the days for which we have waited and prepared for long, are suddenly over. Its almost like we are mesmerized into a state where we have no sense of the clock and the calendar. It takes something to jolt you out of this mesmerized state. For us it was the invitation to the college farewell.
It arrived on one sunny January afternoon with the mail. It had been a hectic week. The entrance exam results had been declared. Both of us had done well and we used to spend hours deliberating over our choice of graduate school. It was a stress of its own kind. In the middle of one such heated argument the farewell invitation arrived, and suddenly we realized that the class of 2001 would meet on 31st January for the last time before being dissolved - forever.
I will not bore my readers with details of the farewell. I have cherished memories of it, but I am sure each one of you has the same memories of your own farewell. But I must briefly mention it here. It holds some importance in this narration. A farewell to the class of 2001 was to be given by the class of 2002. And both Anu and Tanvir were a part of that class. I wondered whether Amol would go at all, because I knew he would be under tremendous emotional pressure. But Amol didn’t show any emotion on his face. It was the same determined and resolute look that I had been seeing for the past few months now. The only place that betrayed any emotion was his eyes, and he never let you look long into them.
From the evening of the farewell, I was terribly apprehensive and concerned about my friend. My apprehension increased when I saw Anu and Tanvir enter together. Anu looked ravishingly beautiful. Amol was sitting in one corner of the auditorium - all by himself. I looked over to him, but he seemed lost in thoughts. As I looked away, my eyes met Anu's and our eyes were locked for a moment - and then she looked away. But that brief moment told me the entire story. I knew she was not in love with Tanvir. And I knew she was waiting for Amol to come to her.
I still remember that night clearly and whenever I think of it I can’t help thinking about it as an "if-only" night. It was a mad night, full of shouting, dancing, cheering and celebrations. For the 80 odd people gathered there tonight was there night. It was here and it was secure. Tomorrow they would enter into an unknown, uncharted territory, all alone. But for Anu and Amol it was a night full of "if-onlys". If-only Anu had been alone and not with Tanvir. If only Amol had stepped up to her and asked her to come with him for a moment. If only he had listened to me and believed me when I told him what I had seen in Anu's eyes.
" What do you know of a woman's eyes, you flaming geek? You leave that to me. I am the expert here." It was supposed to sound like a joke but from his semi choked throats it sounded like a request to my ears to leave him alone. He avoided eye contact got up from his seat and went outside. I followed him. " Listen Raj, if Anu had cared for me she wouldn’t have come with Tanvir today. She doesn’t love me any longer. And its right I think, because I deserve it."
" You know what your problem is Amol. You make too many assumptions on your own. You cook things in that stubborn head of yours without even thinking of taking an opinion or asking others involved in your life. First you create situations with one set of assumptions and then when things are messed up you wont solve them, but will just sit there with another set of assumptions. How can you know what is going on in Anu's mind. You are not God? For heaven's sake man go and talk to her once. She is waiting; I can see it in her eyes. Please, if not for yourself then for her. "
But it was typically Amol. Once he had made a set of boundaries around himself he would never venture out of them unless he was personally convinced about it. No amount of coaxing, shouting, reasoning, threatening or insults could budge him. He was stubborn to a point, which I felt was suicidal. Throughout that night he maintained that had Anu wanted to give him a chance she would not have been with Tanvir. " I don’t want to create a scene today and be remembered by my class as the guy who got kicked by a junior girl. That’s something that I cannot go through. "
Amol’s call letter came in February. The country's best business school had accepted his application. He took it all very stoically. He came to my place and told me as a matter of fact that he would be leaving town next month - A day after the final exams. A few days later I received my letter. Finally after 22 long years of friendship we were to be separated - he would go to Ahmedabad and I to Hyderabad.
After that time flew by in a jiffy. There were the final exams to prepare for. Then there were the last minute formalities and running around the college for our TC. It was only when I was at the station to see off Amol that we suddenly realized that it was a major event of our lives. That probably Amol and I would never be together again. Neither of us said anything about it.
And then suddenly I asked something which had been on my mind for the past few days now. " Amol, does Anu know that you are leaving? Have you told her? "
" No I haven’t. But I think she knows because the entire campus knows, so she must have heard. Why don’t you understand Raj that its all over. She will never forgive me. Otherwise she would have called me at least once. She was a nice girl Raj, but perhaps I did not deserve her. I learnt a lesson but I guess I paid too high a fee. "
At that moment the engine whistled, the signals turned green and the train began to move. I felt the timing of it was strangely symbolic - as if the train itself agreed to what Amol had just now said.
A week went by and I had just two days left in town. I was terribly homesick and lonely. Most of my friends had left town and I would be leaving too - most probably never to return. There were chores to do, people to meet and things to wind up. But amidst all that rush there was something that I had to do, a little rendezvous that I had to undertake. I could not leave peacefully with that unfinished.
It took me some time to exactly locate the house because I did not have the exact address. It was small Victorian style bungalow - the kind that the British built for their officers and was later resold to the public after Independence. The small gate led up to the thickset wooden door through a small cobblestone path. 9'o' clocks bordered the garden path. The rest f the garden was wild but strangely beautiful and inviting. I took this all in before knocking hesitantly on the door.
" Anu has been sick for the past one month. No one was allowed to see her. Its just yesterday that the doctors lifted the quarantine. I am sure she will be happy to see you. She is in the upstairs room. Go ahead. " This from a white haired kind faced gentleman who introduced himself as Anu's father. If I was shocked at the news of her sickness, it was nothing to what I saw in the upstairs room.
There, resting her head against a pillow, lying on a cot by the window, was a emaciated weak little girl - a mere reflection of the beautiful Anu that I had known. I was rendered speechless for sometime.
"Hi Raj, nice to see you. I guess I am bit out of shape now. Do pull a chair. " She smiled weakly.
" Anu, I am terribly sorry. I..err..I mean..we...never heard anything. No one told us....."
" I know. Its because no one knows. It all happened so suddenly. I was hospitalized the very next after the farewell. Only Tanvir was with me then...." her voice trailed off and she motioned for some water.
" Then why didn’t you ask Tanvir to tell us? Why didn’t he tell anyone? " I said, agitated at Tanvir's idiocy.
" Tanvir left for Australia that very night. He was scheduled to go to Australia for a long time. He had applied for immigration and his papers were ready. He never got the time I suppose. Anyway, its ok. No one has time these days. "
There was a long silence now. I was completely at loss about what to say, do or even think. I looked up at the ceiling and I must have been concentrating really hard on them because I still remember that I noticed the overhead beams were terribly thick and oversized for the house of that size.
" Raj, I hope you are not angry with me. I am sorry for that day. " Anu's voice broke the silence.
For a moment I could not recollect what she was referring to, but then I suddenly remembered, " C’mon Anu, I have almost forgotten it. Its ok, I understand it. You don’t have to apologize or anything. We are all friends aren’t we ?" I smiled and she smiled back at me.
It was becoming difficult now. Both of us knew why I had come there and both of us wanted to talk about it, but no one knew how to begin. Finally I decided to start it the easiest way. " Anu, can I ask you something? Do you still love Amol?"
Anu smiled back as if I were a child asking a very silly question. " What do you think Raj? You have seen me long enough now. And though we haven’t been very close friends, we have known each other indirectly pretty well? You tell me what you think? "
" I don’t know Anu. I am confused. I Thought you loved him madly, otherwise you wouldn’t have reacted that way, the other day in the canteen. But then I saw you with Tanvir and I heard the college rumors and that made me feel very confused. Tell me Anu, if you really love Amol, then why did you go around with Tanvir. Why did you make it appear that there was something between you and Tanvir? "
" I don’t know. When Amol didn’t call me up for that one month, I was terribly lonely. I used to cry for hours. The only person from here who used to call me up was Tanvir. And he was so nice to me always. When I returned, I was mad at Amol. He had hurt me terribly. But there was a vacuum, which I needed to fill. I didn’t have friends, because it had always been Amol and me in college. It was then that Tanvir stepped in. And Tanvir was such a nice person. I could see that he loved me, but he never let it come between us. And he never expected anything from me. He was there when I needed someone most and he knew that I still loved Amol. But he was happy with my company. We were never anything but good friends. "
" You know Raj, I kept on waiting for Amol to come to me on that farewell night. He just had to walk up to me and I would have burst into tears. It was so difficult seeing him so close to me and yet so far away. But he never came up to me and I felt that he must have stopped caring. It broke my heart."
I felt that I was listening to some soliloquy because all this time Anu was staring out of the window and talking to herself. It was good that she wasn’t looking at me because I was very close to tears myself.
When I closed the gates behind me, and stepped into the street, it was evening. A few children were playing in the street. I just stood there and watched them. As their carefree laughter and shrill voices floated across to my ears, I was transported back to my own childhood days.
Life was so simple and happy. We derived pleasure from the very smallest of things. When our hearts knew no ego. When we weren’t smart enough to assume anything and we didn’t ask too many questions. When Sunday meant just fun and Monday meant school; and friends meant everything in life. And I was again reminded of the bard's lines. Our role as children was over. We had to play now as adults and go through everything that that role demanded from us – willingly or unwillingly.
